(or, horrible presents for the sonically-inclined people you probably know)
Ah, the Holidaze® Season is upon us. Like the year hasen’t been a big load of horse hockey so far… 🙂
This post was inspired by @drewtoothpaste‘s hilarious site The Worst Things For Sale which chronicles the most insipid things you can purchase on Amazon. As best as I could find, all of these gems are available to purchase from ‘The Everything Store’ and might be just the thing for that special Muso you love, despise, or just can’t afford to buy what they really want. Just don’t blame me for any band breakups, personal breakups, or commercial breakups.
With that said, let’s see the atrocities for 2017:
Guitarists always need picks. Even though they usually have a case full of them or just scour the stage to see what the opening act left behind, this Michigan J Frog pick is what that special guit-picker in your life really needs – a plectrum that is constructed out of ‘solid brass’ and ‘etched using a chemical process’. In all honesty you could probably buy a few thousand from the local music shop for the price of this one, but remember that those probably won’t be constructed from ‘solid brass’ or ‘etched using a chemical process’, although you’d be right to assume they probably are.
If you need clarity on exactly who is ‘chemically etched’ on this particular pick, go here.
Accordions are frickin’ expensive. And if you know someone who plays one, they probably have one (if not dozens of them) already. So why not get them a reminder of the fact that they do play the accordion by getting them a 1/6th scale model (complete with case!) of an actual accordion that doesn’t make a sound. Now if only the real thing didn’t…
This 110% Guranteed Nightmare Fuel Nutcracker is a true ‘classic’ in both type and genre, and will fill your home with whimsical glee during those gloomy winter months when no matter how much aluminum foil you put on the windows, it’s still gonna be a Blue Christmas. Bonus points if you noticed the strange growth on its ‘hand’ and understood its significance. If you can figure out why it seems to be facing inward please let me know.
Number Nine on our list is sadly not a Beatles reference. It does, however, have relevance to the Fab Four for being the sound originally chosen to end A Day In The Life. But hey, at least that pickup is ‘professional grade‘ and it’s proudly Made in the USA! Since it’s out of stock, I have no idea how much this costs, but I’d bet you could make one for less than $3 with only a couple of trips to Dollar Stores. Cheapskate.
Seriously? Kid, if your Grandma is chillin’ to Rap Caviar then she don’t need no damn translation. But if she finds out you also bought the “Frequently bought together” bundle then you should be seriously concerned about where she’s gonna put that Amazon Echo you got her last year.
For the trendy Audio Connoisseur on your list, this overpriced landfill magnet is truly the greatest, most-bestest way vinyl junkies can keep their souvenir conversation pieces lint, dust, and grit-free. I’m surprised that no one has come up with a way to make the dust jackets lint, dust, and grit-free, since those are the actual things that gather lint, dust, and grit whilst their inner contents remain in pristine condition due to lack of use. Act fast though – these are Limited Edition…
This complete waste of human engineering is the most expensive item on this list. But to play Devil’s Advocate, it will totally keep your near-obsolete, laser-kissed physical media in absolute tip-top working condition. I keenly remember when I finally gave in to digital and totally destroyed all my CD’s because I couldn’t keep them from getting magnetized.
And such a breeze to operate with only two buttons: ‘Power’ and ‘Erase’. Erase?
For Music Geeks like myself, having really good audio software is not only a necessity, but our way of contributing to the national economy. For in a world where music software can cost hundreds or even thousands of dollars, I was truly amazed at how cheap this software was for its power and capability. Just looky what it can do:
- You can cut, copy and paste parts of recordings and then add effects like echo, amplification and noise reduction. You can also do many extras like : Trim the silence off the beginning and end of audio files. Fade-in and fade-out of music files. Adjust audio volume levels and amplify and equalize effects.
- Record Live Audio. Audacity records from any audio source that can be plugged into your computer: live performances, interviews, radio, vinyl records, LP, tape players, microphones, mixers, electronic instruments.
- Restore vinyl records, tapes into digital recordings or CDs.
- Record Live Audio / Streaming Audio / Whatever Playing on the Computer
- Supports many Audio and Music File Formats including Ogg Vorbis, MP3, WAV, AIFF, GSM WAV, MP2, M4A, WMA, AC3, ARM, FLAC and many more
Someone could gain a lot of favor in the music community by offering this type of software cheaper, or even better yet, for free.
Not sure about all of you, but I for one am sick and tired of my precious cowbells being hit on, dinged around, and dented up. Thankfully, Latin Percussion has me covered, and quite literally at that. It’s features, you ask?
- Nylon pouch with drawstring
- Holds and protects cowbell and beater
These are Modern Times, I tell you.
This hopefully flame-retardant ditty is not only a knee-slapper, but also has a twinge of Holiday relatedness to it. Double-plus bonus points for not only copping Kanye’s specs, but his dejected look as well.
I thought about buying one of these, but unfortunately didn’t seem to fit into one of their cateories of people who would enjoy it the most:
- This funny t-shirt that says ‘Photosynthesis Synthesizer 80’s Keyboard Music Pun’ is the perfect shirt for trippy psychedelic lovers! It makes a great gift for any birthday, Christmas, graduation or gift giving occasion!
- People who love kids children, punk goth emo, chemistry, trippy psychedelic, vintage retro are sure to love tee shirt. These are awesome shirts with cool pun, abstract, girlfriend, awesome, joke, sarcasm, cute, trippy psychedelic, boyfriend, cool themes.
We’re getting close to the end here, and if there’s anything that’s missing from this list is some kind of actual noise-making thingamadoodle. Yes, I know I linked to an Electric Kazoo above, but that’s Currently Unavailable, dammit. So to make up for that I present you with this quasi-NSFW looking stick that quacks. That’s right – quacks.
But fear not if you happen to be the type that is all-too-easily weirded out by quacking noises, because they make one that sounds like a canary too. Mark my words that future generations will covet these once some EDM producer makes an entire full-length out of quacking noises and canary tweets. Better grab several now before the Ebayers get hip.
And the Top Prize goes to this underrated kitchen utility specially designed for the Phat Beatmaker who can not only drop some serious Trap Boom, but also whip up a mess of Phat Beets for pre- or post-gig culinary shindigs. Since most Kitchen Deejays and Producers live in constant dread of not only being eminently fashionable but also about getting their eminent fashions soiled during this process, this apron features a ‘Unique Process Using Eco-Friendly Ink Ensures Vibrant, Long Lasting Print’ and is ‘Made Using Heavyweight Cotton, Pre-shrunk and Brushed for a More Luxorious Feel’, so you can ‘cook’ in style and comfort. Can also be used in a pinch as that ‘Saucy LBD’ for Holiday parties or club nights.
What’s that you say? Chicago House is more your style? Gotcha covered.
As a hat tip to Drew, I couldn’t let this pass by if you haven’t seen it on his site. Besides, it gives me one more Kanye swipe:
Happy Holidaze® Everyone!